5 Attributes To Bring Into Any Conflict
I can’t even begin to tell you the number of people who tell me they “hate conflict” and “I avoid it like the plague.” Why is conflict so difficult for people these days? I believe one of the primary culprits is that we don’t have the tools to bring conflict to a healthy closure. Many would rather run away from conflict than take it head on.
Biblical instruction
Scripture has something to say to us on the topic of conflict with one another. God’s word in Paul’s letter to the Colossians provides a roadmap for what it looks like for Christians to struggle alongside and with one another:
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”
colossians 3:12 niv
5 attributes that will change the way you handle conflict
1. Compassion
Compassion means to be moved deeply by the state of another. In this, you must seek to understand his or her condition. It means seeking to understand before seeking to be understood. Seeking to understand how they’ve been hurt, even when you are the one who may have hurt them. This is especially difficult when you both feel that you’ve been wronged. A sign of spiritual maturity is to be the first one to lay aside your own feelings in order to listen to someone else’s.
2. Kindness
Kindness is compassion in action. It’s important that your actions show that, even in the midst of conflict, you still love and care for one another. Body language and facial expressions do just as much communicating as your words do. So you must be aware of what they may be seeing beyond what they’re hearing you say. Also, tone of voice has a way of accentuating your emotion — positive or negative — as you speak your words. Never lose sight that you both are sinners in need of grace. Neither of you have perfection to defend, so be careful to not become too defensive.
3. Humility
Humility is action without regard for reward or benefit. We often enter into conflict with a sort of competitive mindset — that there must be a winner and a loser. Someone must be right, so therefore someone must be wrong. From that viewpoint, the entire conflict becomes focused on not losing. You must die to your desire for personal gain through conflict and instead use the conflict as an incredible opportunity to display Christ to the other person.
4. Gentleness
Gentleness is action received as help, not just condemnation. This means that your conflict needs a measure of intentionality to it. We often turn conflict into a battle to be won rather than a strategic release of pressure. While you cannot choose when and where someone will hurt you (or vice versa), you can establish the ground rules of how and when you will have the conversation.
Consider this: not all hurts need to be discussed. If on a scale of one to ten, your hurt is less than or equal to five, i suggest you try to forgive and just move on. But if you can’t do that, or if the hurt is bigger than that, then seek godly wisdom about how and when you discuss the issue. Choose to use words which are not meant to be hurtful and which lack accusation (Proverbs 16:24). No matter how frustrated and angry you feel, choosing to use words that put someone on the defensive rarely works. You have the ability to accurately describe your experience, viewpoint, or opinion without having to try to hurt the other person.
5. Patience
Patience allows us to continue to offer help even when it seems ineffective. My experience is that people tend to struggle with the same things their entire lives. Maybe they’re not good at asking for help. Or maybe they don’t communicate well. Or they tend to avoid or leave out details. Or they’re critical of everything and everyone. Realistically, these things are probably not to going to dramatically anytime soon. You certainly don’t have to pretend that those things don’t bother you or sometimes cause hurt. But also, you must not create unrealistic expectations that the person may never live up to, and may cause you to constantly hold them in contempt.
Seek to have the heart of Jesus
Being compassionate, kind, humble, gentle, and patient in the midst of conflict is virtually impossible on a human level. Paul makes it clear that these attributes need to be a developing priority in our journey of following Jesus. Many have found that seeking Christian marriage counseling has played a significant role in growing in these ways. This attitude increases the chances that you and the one you conflict with will be closer together. Marriages grow stronger and more emotionally intimate as a result of dealing with conflict in Christ-like ways. And most importantly, seeking this attitude and these attributes points to the character of Christ at a time where humanness is most often on display.