Free To Be Me
The Five Freedoms
Renowned author and therapist Virginia Satir speaks of the five freedoms that accrue when we are loved unconditionally. Shaming occurs when any or all of these are overlooked or under-validated within a family relationship system.
- The freedom to perceive. If a child’s God-given need to perceive is not affirmed, he or she will believe that they cannot trust their own perceptions or opinions.
- The freedom to think. If a child’s God-given need to think independently is not affirmed, he or she will believe that their views are not correct or worthwhile.
- The freedom to feel. If a child’s God-given need to feel what they feel is not affirmed, he or she will believe that feelings and emotions are bad, inappropriate, or unnecessary,
- The freedom to dream. If a child’s God-given need to dream is not affirmed, he or she will believe there is nothing worth hoping for today, tomorrow, or in their future.
- The freedom to risk. If a child’s God-given need to risk is not affirmed, he or she will believe they must always play it safe, and never allow the possibility of doing something wrong, making a mistake, or failing.
Commonly when I am working with an adult in our counseling practice, they will argue that they could not have internalized toxic shame because they came from a healthy family with wonderful parents. They’ve never experienced a traumatic event in their life, especially during childhood. Undoubtedly, it is difficult to comprehend how deeply internalized shame might occur within an environment that by all standards seems healthy.
Wounded By Perfection
Early in my counseling career I had the opportunity to work with a young woman in her late 20’s. She sought counseling due to feelings of depression, low self-esteem, and the belief that she was inadequate as a woman, wife, and mother. She felt like giving up on all of it.
In discovering more about this young lady, her description of her family of origin sounded like something from a Hallmark movie. Dad was kind and caring. He had a great work ethic and glowing reputation with his employer, and he was very good at maintaining a healthy life-work balance. He was a deacon at the local church and participated in the spiritual development of each of his three children, now all adults with their own families.
Her mom had been a public elementary school teacher for many years and was that teacher that every parent wanted their kids to be in her class. She was a wonderful mom and grandma, an excellent cook and baker, kept a beautiful and welcoming home, and adored her husband.
My client was the youngest of three children. All were raised with a good balance of ambition and groundedness. The older sister was a schoolteacher with her mom, and arguably they were best friends. Her life, marriage, family, and home were a veritable duplication of her mom and dad’s – ideal in nearly every way.
Her brother was very popular with everyone around him. He was a high-level athlete who was lauded since childhood by the small community they lived in. He received much of the praise and accolades of the family and was the kind of young man every family dreamed they could raise or that their daughter would marry.
Then there was my client – a committed wife, mother, schoolteacher, church volunteer, and friend. Very unassuming and faithful. But in her mind, she was just not enough. She saw herself as a disappointment when comparing herself to her parents and siblings. And she assumed others perceived her in the same way. No matter how hard she tried, she never seemed to get the kudos that her sister and brother did. And regardless of encouraging words her husband spoke into her, she still assumed she could never measure up to the woman, wife, and mother her family expected her to be. She was overwhelmed by the fear of disappointing them.
Did her parents impose these shame messages upon her? Certainly not. At least not overtly or knowingly. Nevertheless, this young woman was trapped in a prison of fear and shame. Just because there was no specific individual or shame message or trauma to attribute this to, it was nonetheless very real in her life. Yet to speak of it, she felt enormous guilt because of a false belief she had internalized that told her, “I need to be thankful for how wonderful a family I’ve been blessed with.”
So, it was not uncommon for her to share her honest feelings with me, then in the very next breath undermine her emotions with justification of why she was wrong and ungrateful for having those feelings. She was in bondage to a spiral of guilt and shame that she saw little hope of ever escaping. And it had become like an emotional cancer inside of her.
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Life Training offers convenient sessions at our office in Louisville, Kentucky, as well as online counseling via Zoom or FaceTime. Our non-profit counseling practice has an outstanding track record for over a decade helping men and women, individuals and couples who are ready to move beyond anxiety, depression, and conflicts in marriage or other relationships find hope and healing in their lives. Contact us today at 502-717-5433, or by email at drdave@lifetrainingcounseling.org