He Just Won’t Open Up!

I’ve counseled, taught, and mentored hundreds of men over the past four decades. One thing most have in common is their reluctance to open themselves up emotionally, especially with their wives. I’ve witnessed as wife after wife virtually begs her husband to care about her emotional needs, to let her in on what’s going on with him, and to want a relationship that is more emotionally and spiritually deep, vulnerable, and intimate.

Why men are pretty much closed books

There are countless reasons why many men won’t emotionally expose themselves. I believe this to be at the heart of each of them.

“Most men can’t not appear competent”

dave ralston

Competence merely means that you (yourself, your intellect, and your actions) measure up to the relevant standard or expectation, real or imagined. Obviously these standards are subjective and unique to each individual to a degree. Men, however, live as if there is a universal code of how a man should behave, how he should talk, and what he should know.

Noteworthy, there is a huge difference between “must” appear competent and “can’t not” appear competent. “Must” in this case is a position of offense — you have to prove that you’re competence. “Can’t not” is actually like playing defense in a team sport — guarding what’s behind you (the goal) as if your life depended upon it.

But what’s “behind” a man that he must so desperately guard, to the point the won’t even reveal it to those closest to him? IMPERFECTION. To the typical American man, letting our imperfections show, let alone be acknowledged, is taboo. Most men won’t claim to be perfect. They just won’t let anyone see how imperfect they really are.

What causes this?

I believe wholeheartedly that there are at least four primary factors that drive this phenomenon in men:

1. He has a deep fear of rejection and believing he’s “not enough”
2. He believes that feelings and emotions are weak
3. He is afraid of being vulnerable and not under control
4. He justifies it with, “It’s how my daddy and his daddy were.”

Deep fear of rejection and believing he’s “not enough”

In the mind of a man, anything or anyone who identifies a shortcoming or imperfection in them becomes their opponent. To what degree depends on the severity of the imperfection or the perceived “judgement” by the other person. Believing that he can’t not measure up to his own perceived standard of “perfection,” there is little to no margin for error. In the face of a mistake or error, he often will ruminate that he just isn’t enough — not good enough, not man enough, not skilled enough, not smart enough, not spiritual enough. And his desire to never experience this discomfort again drives him to even a higher self-imposed standard of competence and fear of rejection.

Believes feelings and emotions are weak

I’m a younger Baby Boomer, born in 1961. Those who were raised in my generation on back were raised by and controlled by a litany of unwritten yet clearly communicated rules and expectations. Don’t wear a hat indoors. Fold a letter a certain way. Always be strong. Make no mistakes. Always trust authority. And so on. But one of the most significant of these “rules” was that a man can’t ever be weak or be seen as weak. Men were hard in those days. Their mind (beliefs) drove their will. No room for emotions. Unfortunately that mindset lingers even into the 21st century. The ramification of that is that many men relegate their entire life to a series of tasks to be performed to the very best of their abilities. And relationships tragically is one of those tasks.

Afraid of being vulnerable and not under control

Concurrent with the hardness men carry is the belief that vulnerability (emotional openness) will only hurt them. So,, now the issue is no longer merely “men can’t be weak.” To compound that, “men must always be under control” places even more pressure on a man in every arena of his life. Competent — Strong — Under Control. It almost sounds like a mantra. A battle cry. Sadly, this is the complete opposite of how God created human beings to live our lives. Human being, not doing! Unless a man surrenders his heart and mind to Jesus and the word fo God he will not ever get past these rigid, uncompromising false beliefs.

Lastly, I’ve found this statement to be the lynch pin that holds all of the above-mentioned dysfunctions together:

“It’s how my daddy was and how his daddy was”

It breaks my heart when I witness generation after generation after generation of men believing — and passing down to their sons — the equation of Satan: MY PERFORMANCE + HOW IT MEETS OTHERS’ EXPECTATIONS = MY IDENTITY, SELF-WORTH, AND VALUE.