Intimacy Breakers To Avoid In Your Marriage

Every marriage has its ups and downs. Some more than others. But none are exempt. Conflict is inevitable when two human beings attempt to consistently find common ground to stand on day in and day out over the course of years.

Inevitably, when there is a decline in communication or an uptick in conflict, emotional intimacy and connectedness becomes the greatest casualty. We stop feeling. We stop listening. We give short responses. You get the picture.

Despite the reality that conflicts will arise, your intimate connection doesn’t necessarily have to plummet. That has to do with how you handle the conflict and how you seek to put the needs and interests of your spouse ahead of your own. That topic is for another day.

I believe there is a short laundry list of what I call “intimacy breakers” that most marriages share in common. Let’s take a look at those.

Breaking their trust or betraying them

Few things can damage a relationship more than a breech of trust. Once there is a crack in this sacred part of the relationship, it is very possible this wound may never fully heal. The perpetrator can certainly make significant strides in emotional and spiritual maturity as well as personal accountability and self-control. However, the one who has been hurt by the betrayal may wrestle with distrust — especially with this individual — the remainder of their lives.

Being critical or condescending

No one likes being criticized or talked down to, especially from someone we love. Depending on the temperament of the one being wounded, the effects can vary significantly. A person with the Melancholy temperament will take it very personally and feel that you have judged and rejected them. An individual with the Choleric temperament will find a way to punish the one who is being critical, in direct or subtle ways. Someone who has the Sanguine temperament will likely take it as disapproval, and will try to do whatever it takes to get the perpetrator to approve of them (again). The Supine individual will be crushed, as they cannot understand why anyone would ever hurt them if they always do and say the right thing. Lastly, the a person with the Phlegmatic temperament won’t be overly affected by the criticism, and will either minimize the credibility of it or passively create a distance (literally or just emotionally) from the perpetrator.

Shutting down or withholding approval

When an individual withholds their approval from their partner, either by shutting down or stonewalling, the one who is being hurt, the emotional connection between the two is jeopardized. Oftentimes the one shutting down thinks they are doing a good thing by not creating conflict. Actually, the exact opposite is true. Shutting down or withholding approval totally eliminates the possibility of productive conflict resolution and the possibility bringing closure to the matter.

Being self-focused and a victim

I’m sure you’ve experienced what it is like to interact with someone who sees themselves as a victim. Notwithstanding, this is a huge issue when it occurs in marriage. This tactic is very toxic to a marriage, as it is one of the most damaging forms of manipulation. In a Christian marriage, it is paramount that both the husband and the wife own their own stuff — being mature enough to take personal responsibility for their own shortcomings, and to have grace and understanding for those of their partner.

Many of these intimacy breakers occur without us even being aware of them. And oftentimes, we have no idea what might be the root cause. That’s where Christian counseling becomes a great asset. The counselors at Life Training Christian Counseling are highly trained and have extensive experience in helping individuals examine the root causes of these types of issues, and seeking spiritual, Bible-based solutions to bring about healing to their soul and restore intimacy to their marriage.