Past Hurts Affect Current Relationships

Ever felt like you’re dragging invisible baggage into your relationships? Like you’re stuck in a loop of childhood shame, wounds, and false beliefs, and they’re affecting your adulthood? If so, you’re certainly not alone.

The Christian counselors at Life Training Christian Counseling in Louisville, Kentucky and online everywhere can helo you find healing from the wounds of your past.

The truth is, many of us unknowingly carry around our childhood wounds like invisible luggage, hauling them from one relationship to the next. These wounds show up in how we behave with the people we care most about, even when we don’t consciously realize it.

Here is a list of what I’ve come to believe are among the most common in our lives.

1. Overreacting

Imagine a woman named Sarah, who was always composed, intelligent, and calm, yet would consistently overreact whenever her partner was just a little late for a date or dinner. It wasn’t about the lateness itself, was it? It wasn’t like she was timing his every move or trying to control his schedule. No, it wasn’t her partner’s behavior triggering these reactions. It was an old, unresolved fear of abandonment stemming from when her parent who had left the family when she was a child. She internalized a deep, unshakable fear of being left behind or forgotten. 

2. Needing constant reassurance

Imagine a man named Jack. Growing up, Jack always felt like he could never quite measure up. His parents were loving, sure, but they had high expectations and weren’t great at offering praise or encouragement. Jack did well in school, but it never felt like enough. He was constantly striving for approval, but rarely received it in the way he needed. As an adult, this left Jack with a lingering sense of insecurity in his relationships. He’s always seeking validation from his partners, asking questions like, “Do you love me?” or “Are you sure we’re okay?” even when there’s no reason to doubt it. Deep down, it’s not the present relationship that’s the problem; it’s the unhealed pain from the past that keeps resurfacing, whispering doubts into your ear.

3. Difficulty expressing emotions

Did you know the way we express our emotions as adults is often shaped by our childhood experiences? For those who grew up in an environment where expressing emotions was discouraged or met with negative reactions, it can be challenging for you to openly express feelings in adult relationships. You may suppress your feelings or struggle to articulate your emotional needs. It’s not about being emotionally inept, but rather a defense mechanism developed during childhood. For many, it’s easier to keep their feelings locked away than to risk being hurt again. This emotional suppression can lead to frustration and disconnection in relationships, as your partners are left guessing what you are really feeling.

4. Forming attachments quickly

Imagine a young woman named Jessica. Jessica had a childhood filled with instability that led to her forming attachments with new partners almost instantaneously. She would meet someone new, and within a matter of weeks, she’d be talking about a future together, fully invested in the relationship before really getting to know the person.  She wasn’t being desperate or clingy—she was trying to fill that deep-seated need for connection that had been missing in her early years. But the problem is that this rush to attach often leads to heartbreak, as the person may mistake infatuation for love, clinging to a relationship that may not be as solid as they hope.

5. Fear of intimacy

The fear of intimacy isn’t about not wanting to be close to someone, but more about the fear of being hurt or rejected. This fear is like a protective shell, keeping you safe from potential harm. Beneath those walls is just a scared child, trying to protect your heart from further pain.  It’s a defense mechanism that served you well in childhood, but now it’s preventing you from experiencing the deep connection you crave in your adult relationships.

It’s difficult to work through the wounds, brokenness, and shame of your past alone. Christian counselors who are trained and experienced in soul work — a type of Christian counseling that seeks to renew the mind, will and emotions in Christ and His word — and are working similar journeys in their own lives.

These are only a few of the adult responses to childhood wounds. I’ll be continuing to writie on this topic in future articles.