Productive Shame Teaches Finiteness

Long before the internet and MP3s were ever even thought of, “A-side” and “B-side” were terms frequently used to refer to the two sides of a phonograph record.  The A-side usually featured a song that its artist, producer, or record company focused their promotions toward in hopes of it becoming a hit record.  The B-side (or “flipside”) was a secondary recording that typically received much less attention, and in many cases was hardly worth listening to.

The A-side of the two-sided coin is a life lived in grace – a daily relationship with Jesus, defined by love and grace and mercy and forgiveness and acceptance and connectedness and true freedom.  This life can only be realized in the presence of healthy, productive shame.

Productive Shame

God sometimes uses the unhealthiest, most undesirable experiences in our lives to produce some of His most amazing results.  So, I tend to refer to this positive side of shame as “productive shame” rather than “healthy shame” as many in this field have described it.  Only in Christ can unhealthy shame be positively productive in our lives despite having painful origins.  Shame only becomes “toxic” when it robs us of our correct and accurate view of God, ourselves, and others.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them” (Romans 8:28 NLT).

John Bradshaw, in his book Healing the Shame That Binds You, helps us understand productive shame (he refers to as “healthy” shame) in this way:

One of our basic needs is structure.  We ensure this by developing a boundary system within which we safely operate.  Structure gives our lives form.  Boundaries and form offer us safety and allow a more efficient use of energy.  Without boundaries we have no limits and easily get confused.  We begin to lose our way.  We sometimes don’t know what is enough, how to stop, or when to say “no.”

Healthy shame keeps us grounded.  It is the emotional energy that tells us we are not God – that we have made and will make mistakes, and that we need help.  Healthy shame is a normal human emotion that lets us know we are limited, which is part of our humanity.  It signals us about our limits and motivates us to meet our basic needs.

By knowing our limits and finding ways to use our energy more effectively, healthy shame can give us a form of personal power.  Healthy shame does not allow us to believe we “know it all,” but spurs us to make significant life changes.  In knowing that we have made mistakes and are not perfect or always right, we can continue to strive to grow and discover.  Healthy shame gives us permission to be human!

Productive shame limitPsychotherapist Joseph Burgo, in his book entitled Shame: Free Yourself, Find Joy, and Build True Self-Esteem, speaks of the important benefits of productive shame in this way:

Productive shame focuses on discrete traits or behaviors rather than the entire person. Instead of making global statements about someone as completely worthless and irredeemable, productive shame leaves room for the individual to feel good about themself as a whole, while also suggesting changes that might help themselves grow and develop.

Our forefathers used shaming and shunning to invoke change, to help tribal members reform their transgressive behavior and then reintegrate.  Helpful shame always leaves room for improvement rather than making someone feel fundamentally worthless, with no hope for growth.

For my clients, and for human beings everywhere, shame often has an important lesson to teach and can be a guide to personal growth.   Shame sometimes tells us we need to pay attention and work harder.  It may let us know we’ve been insensitive or irresponsible.  Rather than the divisive weapon it has become in many environments, shame continues to be an instructive tool on the personal level, helping us to grow and feel better about ourselves — provided we can listen to it.

We Are Not Infinite

The development of productive shame frames our understanding of our finiteness and limitedness as human beings.  It provides safe boundaries that protect us from seeing ourselves as bigger than we really are.  It is what differentiates the created (you and me) from the Creator (God) – omnipotent (all powerful), omniscient (all knowing), and omnipresent (all present).  Here are a few real-life examples of productive shame that may help us understand this concept more clearly.

  • Not feeling the compulsion to be perfect or right or in control.
  • Asking for help when I’m unable to do something by myself.
  • Admitting I’m wrong when discussing something important with another individual.
  • Accepting that I can’t make another person love me.
  • Creating healthy boundaries in in my relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
  • Keeping my thoughts to myself, when sharing them might show disrespect to another individual.
  • Sincerely apologizing to a person I’ve hurt or dishonored in some way.
  • Allowing a friend to feel the pain of grief without my feeling responsible to fix it.
  • Trusting God to do the things that I’m either reasonably not able or responsible to do, or that are His to do.
  • Establishing healthy boundaries for ourselves of what is “enough.”
  • Accepting the fact that I cannot (and should not) change another person.

Every one of these illustrates an acknowledgement of reasonable human limits.  Our admission that God truly exists… and we’re not Him!  Although the examples on this list all seem sensible and logical, an overwhelming segment of today’s society find these fundamental life perspectives to be very difficult, if not impossible, to live out.  Surely there is an explanation as to why.

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Soul health and spiritual maturity cannot be separated.  Our counselors are ordained Christian ministers as well as certified and licensed Christian counselors.  We are able to help you experience freedom from shame, anxiety, depression, or marriage / relationship conflict with methods that are purely Christ-centered.  Please click on this link to learn much more about how our DEPRESSION COUNSELING can help you become a more authentic follower of Christ, and help you find freedom from identity dependence.

Life Training offers convenient sessions at our office in Louisville, Kentucky, as well as online counseling via Zoom or FaceTime.  Our non-profit counseling practice has an outstanding track record for over a decade helping men and women, individuals and couples who are ready to move beyond anxiety, depression, and conflicts in marriage or other relationships find hope and healing in their lives.  Contact us today at 502-717-5433, or by email at drdave@lifetrainingcounseling.org

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