Protecting Intimacy In Marriage

Intimacy in marriage doesn’t just happen. It is forged as a couple perseveres through the challenges they face together.

”Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
James 1:2-4 NLT

TRIALS — PERSEVERANCE — MATURITY

Maturity in the life of a Christ-follower is only attained as we refuse to give up in the face of adversity and the testing of our faith. This very same principal is true in Christian marriage.

Perseverance Definition:
“Continued effort to do or achieve despite difficulties, failure, or opposition”
Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary

The blessings of perseverance:

Allows time for emotions and deep feelings to be exposed that had not been before.
Allows time for commitment to deepen as you refuse to give up on each other.
Allows time for reliance on one another to becomes more vital than ever.
Allows vulnerable, tender, unknown things to be learned about each other.
Allows love and acceptance to have roots that extend deeper into your hearts.

“True intimacy is to be fully known, undeniably accepted, and unconditionally loved!”
David Ralston, PhD

Unconditional love can be passed on to others only to the degree you have experienced it in your relationship with Jesus.

“You can’t give a way something you don’t possess!”
CHIP INGRAM, PASTOR & AUTHOR

In other words, if you don’t like you, you can’t really love others.

The unconditional, agape love of Jesus

UNDESERVED
UNEARNED
UNCONDITIONAL
UNFATHOMABLE
UNENDING
UNCOMFORTABLE

Fully known

We avoid being fully known for multiple reasons, many tied to some sort of fear:

Fear of rejectiuon
Fear ot not appearing competent
Feeling out of control
Afraid you’ll be judged
Fear of being hurt again
Embarrassment
Self-righteousness

Full exposure of who we really are can be difficult for all of us. Nonetheless, true marital intimacy cannot be found without both the husband and wife being fully known — body, soul, and spirit.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well”.
Psalm 139:14

There are three desires that every human longs to find fulfillment —

Inclusion — MIND — intellect, communication, and surface relationships — the need to BELONG
Control — WILL — performing tasks, making decisions, and carrying out responsibilities — the need to BE ABLE
Affection — EMOTIONS — love, intimacy, deep connection, and ability to feel — the need to BE KNOWN

“Temperament” is your inborn, unchanging nature.

“Personality” is your nature learned through life.

Temperament — the inborn nature — is revealed through the Arno Profile System (APS) temperament assessment.

Five unique temperament types

And there are five unique temperament types, each with its own unique needs, strengths, and weaknesses —

Melancholy — needs to APPEAR COMPETENT
Choleric — needs to have MASTERY & CONTROL
Sanguine — needs to experience APPROVAL
Supine — needs to be INCLUDED
Phlegmatic — needs to be UNDERSTOOD

Communication has a way of either making or breaking a marriage. The key to healthy communication is active listening.

Hearing: the ability to perceive sound

Listening: being intentional in hearing a sound
Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood”
steven covey

The five most common responses to our spouse

Understand
Respond
Victim
Shut Down
Anger

Effective communication is a spiritual discipline that reflects the heart of God in our relationships

“To answer before listening— that is folly and shame.”
Proverbs 18:13 NIV

“Fools find no pleasure in understanding, but delight in airing their own opinions.”
Proverbs 18:2 NIV

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce “the righteousness that God desires.“
James 1:19 NIV

“The objective of the Christian life is transformation, not perfection!“

Tools that foster healthy communication

Understand their unique needs
Foster mutual respect and honor
Be an “active” listener
Listen to understand, not to respond
Be clear and honest about your thoughts & feelings
Consider their point of view
Use words that build up, not tear down
Be honest and only speak truth in love
Speak words that honor them as God’s child
Create a safe and loving environment and home
Convey that you hear, see, and validate them
Pray aloud together

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
Philipppians 2:3-4 NIV

Healthy ground rules for conflict in Christian marriage

Healthy ground rules established and agreed upon in advance protect you from regrettable words and actions —

Remember you’re on the same team
Stay at the table, no matter what
Be patient with each other
Actively listen to understand, not to respond
Respect each other’s opinions and views
Stay focused on the real issue
Forgive their past and don’t weaponize it
Use “I” statements rather than “You…”
Avoid personal attacks, name calling, or insults
Don’t place blame or fault; own your own stuff
Allow each other to speak without interruption
Acknowledge and validate emotions & perceptions
Seek agreement, not a winner and loser
Consider postponing to a more productive time
Honor one another
Honor God, even when emotions may be high

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Ephesians 4:29 NIV