Silence Doesn’t Fix Anything

You don’t fix a communication problem by avoiding the conversation. Silence might feel like the safe thing — but it slowly destroys trust in a relationship. When we never talk about issues that stand between us, internalized resentment grows and trust gradually erodes.

Communication isn’t just about talking. It’s about active listening and also learning to be heard. Learning to speak each other’s emotional language is the difference between healing and hurting, between connecting and isolation.

Four effects of the silent treatment

It would seem that by being quiet, you’re avoiding conflict, and therefore avoiding anyone being hurt. Unfortunately, that is entirely the opposite of the actual effects.

Imbalanced relationship

It only makes sense that if one person is speaking and the other person is silent, the views and opinions on the table are all one-sided. I’ve found that the partner who tends to give the silent treatment is also the one who claims they’re never heard and their views don’t matter.

I certainly am empathetic that their partner may be loud or angry or domineering, making it really difficult to speak up. Nonetheless, in order for the relationship to become a beautiful synthesis of two individuals, you must take the “risk” to speak up, say what’s on your mind and heart, and accept there may be repercussions in the short term. Trust that the benefits over time will far outweigh the costs in the moment.

Passive-aggressive behavior

The partner who is silent in the heat of a conflict or argument is very often guilty of resorting to passive-aggressive behaviors. This is a means of communicating strongly without having to utter a word. Maybe in the form of sarcasm and dry, cutting wit or quips. Maybe by “forgetting” or “overlooking” things that are important to the spouse (i.e. appointments, events, commitments). Or maybe you exert passive-aggressive behavioir by simply being stubborn, weaponizing your will to punish your partner for what you believe is their lack of concern about your thoughts or feelings.

Internalized resentment

An important benefit of verbal communication is that it provides a natural outlet for emotions and feelings. Conversely, if you choose to not speak out your opinions, views, and feelings, there’s a pretty high probably that those will sour in your soul and turn into internalized resentment. This often leads to chronic anger without even knowing who or what you’re angry about. Or depression — a general feeling of hopelessness and powerlessness.

Loss of intimacy

I define intimacy as “being fully known and still fully loved and accepted.” Intimacy occurs in three spheres of relationship:

• Spiritually
• Emotionally
• Physically

Whether you see yourself as a spiritual person or not, the health of emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage is a direct result of your spiritual intimacy with God — your heart aligning with Jesus’ heart for people. If you’re having difficulty experiencing emotional, or even physical, intimacy, it’s likely that either or both of you are not right spiritually.

So, to use the silent treatment as a means of dealing with conflict, it reveals a void in your spiritual life with God that would otherwise move you toward heart change, making amends with your partner, or at least apologizing for how you were not emotionally and relationally present when they very much needed you to be.

Communication skills are learned

If you have a history of being the one who shuts down, turns inward, and becomes silent in the face of conflict, there is hope. Working with a trained Christian counselor will lead you to new understanding and skills in how to effectively communicate, how to deal with conflict in healthy ways, and how to be fully present with your spouse. I encourage you to seek out Christian counseling today by contacting our team at Life Training Christian Counseling.