Teaching Teens to Navigate Conflict 

Conflict is a part of life at all ages. Each individual person is made uniquely and has a different upbringing, which is a beautiful design by God. However, when we don’t understand something, or someone, we can build resentment toward it. There’s particularly a lot of conflict in Middle School. Each Middle School student is beginning to have new, big emotions that they don’t know what to do with. Because of this, I find myself mediating many conflicts for sixth through eighth grade students in the counseling office. Here are some things I use when teaching teens how to navigate conflict. 

Ask Questions

“It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.”

EUGENE IONESCO

Many arguments I encounter begin with miscommunications. One student makes an assumption about the meaning or motive behind what another student says, and their emotions soon follow. It’s important for teens to learn when to ask questions when speaking with a peer.

• When you begin to feel offended, ask for clarification first. Example: “What did you mean by that?”
• When a comment is hearsay, go to the source. Example: “Did you really say ___?”
• When someone is upset by something you said, seek to understand before becoming defensive. Example: “Why did my comment hurt you?”

As students learn to ask questions, agreements can be reached before an argument becomes explosive. 

Practice Listening 

“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”

JAMES 1:19

Part of maturing includes learning how to extend empathy toward others. As we grow older, we learn how to think of others outside of ourselves. Since we can only truly know what we have experienced ourselves, we must listen to others to gain understanding of their perspective. Teens must practice listening to others share their experiences, emotions, thoughts, and beliefs. Sometimes, students are able to do this in the classroom. Teens are also able to practice listening in small groups at church where they are sharing ideas and a supervised environment. As teens learn to listen, their anger is triggered by others less often because they can recognize where the opposing idea comes from, even if they disagree.

Communicate Clearly

“Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity.”

NAT T URNER

Middle schoolers can have a hard time expressing their thoughts and feelings in ways others can understand. It’s important to teach them how to clearly communicate with their peers. Encourage them to avoid passive aggressive comments.  Instead, help them to know how to first identify their emotions, and then how to share them well. Also,  or using friends to be a messenger to other friends. Unless additional students are direct witness to an event, they should not be involved in a conflict between two individuals. Personal, face-to-face communication will contain less confusion and miscommunication. 

Seek Adults to Mediate

“The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.”

PROVERBS 12:15

While the ultimate goal is for teens to be able to navigate conflict themselves, it can be helpful to include an adult in the meantime. An adult’s presence can help create a safe space for honesty, provide accountability for kind words, and add an outside perspective into the situation. Many teens try to navigate conflict alone before they are ready and end up creating a big drama that involves multiple students. However, when an adult is brought in at the right time, a resolution can be found more quickly. 

If you are the adult facilitating conflict…

• DO ask clarifying questions.
• DO give each teen an opportunity to speak.
• DO allow students to brainstorm solutions.
• DO NOT try to fix the problem yourself.
• DO NOT shame a teen for their actions. 
• DO NOT excuse a child’s bad behavior. 

It’s important to stay as neutral as possible when mediating a conflict. Speak to wrong actions but not wrong kids. Every conflict is an opportunity for both children to learn and grow.