The Need To Be Needed
Every human being is inately created with three core needs:
- The need to BELONG
- The need to BE ABLE
- The need to BE KNOWN
No where on that list is the need to be NEEDED. No, the need to be needed is not really an inborn or healthy need at all. It has its roots in a fear of abandonment — of being left, alone, or abandoned. For the past sixty years this has been referred to as “codependence.” A more modern, relevant term for this is “identity dependence” — finding our identity, worth, and value in the presence of, opinions of, and approval of others.
What does it look like?
Since identity-dependent behaviors have mainstreamed into the culture, many people have learned to keep their dysfunction under the radar. They understand that certain behaviors aren’t appropriate or therapeutically correct, so they hide what they are doing. It’s easy to disguise obsessing now. People don’t have to sit at home staring at the phone, waiting for him to call like earlier codependents used to do. Instead of detaching, the new identity dependents leave the house, bringing their cell phones and obsessions with them. It’s also easier now to mask the anxiety, grief, and depression that accompany identity dependence by taking medications that weren’t around when codependency recovery began. While using medication is a personal choice, it’s important to not take prescriptions to endure miserable situations or lose touch with who we are and what we need.
Survival behaviors for identity dependence and the need to change them, hasn’t disappeared. Ideas recycle every twenty, thirty, or hundred years. Recovery from identity dependence is coming around again, stronger than ever before. Young people are flooding meetings, groups, and counseling offices like never before. They’re learning to take care of themselves, not just other people.
While identity-dependent relationships may seem complicated, the root cause – as well as the reason behind its evolution – is actually simpler than one might think. Put simply, identity dependence is when a person’s self-worth is dependent on something external to themselves that is not emotionally healthy or beneficial, yet they unwittingly stay trapped in that dependency because they don’t think they are worthy of a better situation.
Although somewhat similar to the characteristics of classic codependency, modern day identity dependents primarily tend to exhibit some or all of the following common characteristics.
People-Pleasing
The inability to say “no” as a means to keep those around them happy, is a common sign of identity dependencee. The few times they’ve stood up for themselves, they feel bad or guilty about it. They’re afraid of conflict, so they avoid direct confrontation, doing everything to smooth things over, even if it’s obvious there is an “elephant in the room.”
Being A “Fixer”
While wanting to help a friend or loved one is not a bad thing, excessively needing to fix people is a different story. The identity dependent individual is always jumping in to give solutions, even when they’re not asked. They believe it’s their duty to clean up someone else’s mess, such as compensating for their shortcomings, covering their financial obligations, or making excuses for them. They become so fixated on everyone else, they forget to take care of themselves. Then when they halfheartedly ask for solutions, they either sabotage them or claim, “I’ve tried that, and it didn’t work. I’m beginning to think nothing can be done.”
Minimizing Your Own Needs
While deep-set habits and behaviors are best dealt with through the help of a professional, some initial steps can include asking themselves, “What is it about my own needs that I might be running away from?” We procrastinate on things that matter, out of fear of doing them wrong. So, projects, issues, and goals that are the most personally meaningful might be the very ones we run away from. When something strikes a deep chord with us, it’s possibly the last thing we want to sit down and honestly face. So, we distract ourselves with the needs of others.
Being Defined by Your Job or A Relationship
Often when a identity-dependent individual’s job or meaningful relationship is taken away, they tend to feel a substantial loss of self-worth. Identity dependents often deny this with statements such as: “I cannot help that it/they mean so much to me. I’m must just be too caring and dedicated.” They use this as an excuse why they get exhausted from dealing with these very things, while at the same time justifying, in their own minds, why they cannot stay away from them.
This characteristic is driven by the desire to feel wanted and needed, in hopes of proving they’re a good person, worthy of love and acceptance. This individual is not able to feel worthy of love by just being themselves. They believe they must be “externally defined,” which inevitably leads to the development of a fear of abandonment (removal of love and acceptance).
Lack of Boundaries
Within the issue of people-pleasing lies boundless behaviors and relationships. These can be toxic if they go unchecked. The identity-dependent individual fears that if they don’t do these things, the person will leave them, which will mean they are less of a person. This causes even well-intentioned boundaries to erode. When a person is identity dependent and someone tramples on their boundaries, they tend to make excuses for them. This tells the other person their boundaries can be lowered, which systematically gives toxic people a “free pass” to hurt them.
Obsessing Over A Relationship
Another sign of identity dependence is obsessing about and wanting to control a meaningful relationship. Because the relationship is the primary way that someone who is identity dependent identifies their worthiness and lovable-ness, they spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about that relationship. They wish their partner would do this or that and may even resent their partner for not fulfilling their fantasy of the perfect relationship.