The Prison of Can’t Not

I was taught in elementary school to never speak ro write with a “double negative.” That one cancelled out the substance of the other. As I’ve done much more life, however, I have found that there are times where only a double-negative effectively communicates what the speaker or writer is conveying.

In an online article entitled, What Is a Double Negative and When Should It Be Used? by Bridget Reed, she had this to say about double negatives.

“This construction is widely considered unacceptable in formal language, but many writers and speakers use double negatives to intensify or emphasize a negative meaning. In a double negative, the words effectively cancel each other out. So, in a way, the negative meaning is not intensified but rather made positive. Should you never use double negatives? As with any language issue, you must consider the context and your desired message to determine how to communicate it most effectively.”

Bridget Reed

Can’t Not

There is one double negative that I use nearly every day when teaching or counseling others. Can’t Not. It seems that just using the word “must” would suffice, right? But in many instances it just doesn’t. The concept of can’t not is unique in that it imiplies being on defense. The word must seems to have a more proactive, initiating sense to it.

Another author shares how it’s interesting to look at the foibles of how negatives work in English. Some people might see “I can’t not do X” and say that since you are negating twice (i.e. “I can not not do X”) that they cancel each other out and it’s equivalent of saying “I can do X”. But there are clearly differences.

• “I can do X” means that it is within your power/capabilities/authority to do X.
• “I can not do X” generally means that it’s not within your power/capabilities/authority to do X. Sometimes though, we mean that it’s within our power/capabilities/authority to not do X. E.g. “I can not add the chilli if you don’t like it”.
• “I can’t not do X” means that it’s not within your power/capabilities/authority to not do X. You’re saying that it’s not possible for you to not do something.

Compulsivity = Can’t Not

Having examined this in literally hundreds of individuals, I feel confident in making this statement:

All compulsivity finds its nature in the shame messages of your past, and its drive in the false belief that, despite the cost, the substance of those messages can’t not be concealed!

A couple real client examples

Can’t Not Appear Competent

A husband with a pure Melancholy temperament justifies that he works 80 hours a week at a company that he owns. And when questioned by his wife, he lashes out at her in anger. For him to even remotely consider that his work lifestyle is anything less than ideal would require him to admit that he is not perfectly competent in every aspect of his life, which to him would sound like his wife is telling him he is worthless, lazy, and never enough.

Can’t Not Have Mastery and Control

A high school teen with a compulsive Choleric temperament has convinced himself that he “should” have total mastery and control over everything he becomes involved in — especially if he is responsible for the outcome. As an elite soccer player and AP student at a private Latin school, his ability to conquer everything became overwhelming. Too many things to master. Some not masterable. Yet, in his mind, he believed he would be a failure if he allowed any of the plates he was spinning to fall. This led to debilitating fear and anxiety, which brought him to meet with me. The shame created by the expectation set forth by his parents of the “perfect” home, parents, family, education, athlete, future, and so on, drove him to believe, “I can’t not do all of these things perfectly to the standard of expectation.”

I could write an entire book filled with examples of stories of men and women of all ages and life situations who had allowed the compulsivity of “can’t not” to become not only their god, but also their nemesis. Fortunately for many, they were able to discover relief through Bible-based Christian counseling. That’s where we come in at Life Training. Maybe it’s time for you to reach out for help!