You’re Not Powerless

Nearly every week, I have a conversation or a counseling session with someone who feels utterly powerless in their own skin. Without a doubt, certain temperament types and combinations give a person the proclivity to struggle with feelings of powerlessness and low self-worth. But at the end of the day, it still comes down to a choice that the individual makes each day.

Red flags

I believe there are warning signs — what I call “red flags” — that are like indicator lights flashing on the dashboard of a vehicle. They’re screaming out, “something is wrong her and it needs dealt with!” Let me unpack a few of the most common ones.

Feeling other people’s pain and insisting on helping relieve it

Certainly empathy is a beautiful gift, but without proper boundaries it can turn into codependence and control. This leads to an outcome that is exactly opposite that which you’re hoping to achieve by helping.

Wanting there to be peace, even if at your own cost

You may feel really uncomfortable when others are experiencing conflict in relationships, especially if you witness the conflict or argument. You can’t be at peace if they’re not. So you do everything you can to be the peacemaker and mediator, even it it is at your own cost.

Doubting your worth and value leads to tolerating mistreatment

“You teach others how to treat you” (quote from John Bradshaw). So, if they see me treating myself poorly or not having dignity or self-respect, there’s a pretty good chance that’s exactly how they’ll treat me as well.

Giving too much of yourself away to others, believing it’s the right thing to do

Some religious traditions and generational mores have long taught that it’s never about you. “Others dserve good. You don’t.” “It’s selfish to care for your own needs.” From there, many have allowed their own emotional and spiritual health to decline, all the while thinking they’re being an obedient Christian.

Minimizing realities and negative situation

You have a tendency to minimize anything that could cause another person pain, inconvenience, or possible negative emotions. You can’t be happy if they’re not happy. So, you try to control anything that might make them not happy.

Enmeshment due to fear of rejection or abandonment

Because of the fear of being abandoned or alone, you keep unhealthy — even toxic — relationships in your. You may be thinking “even a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all.”

Focusing on someone’s “potential” rather than being honest about their current state

You may hve difficulty in being honest about someone you love. Maybe you’re afraid of losing them. Or maybe you feel that you can’t be happy if their not happy. Or maybe you stay in denial of their dysfunctional state because you have deep pity (feel sorry) for them.

Struggle creating and enforcing boundaries because you fear someone will leave you

Healthy boundaries are a major indicator of the love and respect you have for yourself. It’s extremely unhealthy for you to care more about keeping someone else happy while allowing them to steal your joy and peace.

Christian counselors are trained to help you discover the roots of these dysfunctions, and to find remedies through Christ and his word. Life Training Christian Counseling specializes in this type of counseling work.