Dude Skill #1: LISTEN – Part 3
#4 IN MY SERIES OF POSTINGS DEDICATED TO SUMMARIZING A WONDERFUL BOOK ENTITLED “THE DUDE’S GUIDE TO MARRIAGE: TEN SKILLS EVERY HUSBAND MUST DEVELOP TO LOVE HIS WIFE WELL” BY DARRIN & AMIE PATRICK.
Women Are Tired Of Being Fixed
Women want to be heard, not fixed. They are open to encouragement, challenge, and even rebuke, but usually only after they have been listened to. Research from Dr. John Gottman tells us, “Women are more sensitive to advice giving than men.” A wife will usually react “very negatively” if you try to problem solve her troubles without trying to empathize.
Amie (Darrin’s wife) has found it very helpful when I ask, “Do you want me to help solve the problem, or do you just want me to listen?” Ninety-eight percent of the time she just wants me to listen and understand her perspective. She is more open to proposed solutions if I have spent several minutes patiently listening to her.
Their Husbands Are Distracted
Women do not want to engage in conversation with a husband who is not focused. Your posture communicates attentiveness or inattentiveness. Eye contact communicates engagement. Most of the time when Amie asks me if I am listening to her, I’m not, though I often fudge and say I am. But sometimes I am listening. The problem is not that I’m listening and my wife doesn’t recognize it. The problem is that I’m not communicating that I am listening.
What Can Husbands Do To Communicate Listening?
I have learned to love listening to my wife. Over the years I have grown in how to show Amie that I am interested in understanding her heart through her words. I am learning to express affection for her and validate her emotions with my mouth closed and my ears open. The other day after Amie attended two of our kids’ parent-teacher conferences, I asked her what the teachers said and what she felt about the interaction. Now, this was a huge step in that I actually engaged her heart (what she felt) and not just her head (what the teachers said). When she was talking, I made sure I was listening with my Body. You can actually listen with your eyes, your face, and your words.
Make Eye Contact
This is the big E on the eye chart. Look at your wife, focus on her eyes, which are windows into her soul. Her eyes will communicate even more than her words. Don’t look through her, but look to her. Don’t feel afraid of her. Engage her face. My friend Dave Gibbons says, “If we paid as much attention to our wife as we do our phones, we would have an amazing marriage.”
Truths That Lead To Listening
I hear all kinds of confessions from all kinds of people. there is something cathartic about telling another person your sins and struggles (James 5:16). When we confess sin, we agree with God that something is wrong. to confess is to acknowledge reality. If we are going to become good listeners, we have to tell ourselves the truth.
In my next posting I will continue to discuss LISTENING to our wives, and will focus specifically on learning to understand what she is really saying and what her words are meaning.
——–
Soul health and spiritual maturity cannot be separated. Our counselors are ordained Christian ministers as well as certified and licensed Christian counselors. We are able to help you experience freedom from shame, anxiety, depression, or marriage / relationship conflict with methods that are purely Christ-centered. Please click on this link to learn much more about how our MARRIAGE COUNSELING can help you become a more authentic follower of Christ, and help you find freedom from identity dependence.https://lifetrainingcounseling.org/
Life Training offers convenient sessions at https://lifetrainingcounseling.org/depression-counseling/our office in Louisville, Kentucky, as well as online counseling via Zoom or FaceTime. Our non-profit counseling practice has had an outstanding track record from over a decade helping men and women, individuals and couples who are ready to move beyond anxiety, depression, and conflicts in marriage or other relationships find hope and healing in their lives. Contact us today at 502-717-5433, or by email at drdave@lifetrainingcounseling.org