Dude Skill #2: TALK – Part 5

#10 IN MY SERIES OF POSTINGS DEDICATED TO SUMMARIZING A WONDERFUL BOOK ENTITLED “THE DUDE’S GUIDE TO MARRIAGE: TEN SKILLS EVERY HUSBAND MUST DEVELOP TO LOVE HIS WIFE WELL” BY DARRIN & AMIE PATRICK.

How Do I Talk To My Wife?

I don’t know how many times I have incited an argument with Amie because of my words. More often it isn’t the content (the what of my words), but rather the spirit (the how of my words) that gets me into trouble. So, how you say something is critical.

Talk, Don’t Excuse

Our wives want us to talk to them, not at them. They don’t like lectures, and they hate accusations. Avoid saying words like ALWAYS and NEVER. Instead of giving answers and making proclamations, ask questions that draw your wife out. I speak and give answers to people for a living. You may do that too. Sometimes, what helps your business hurts your marriage.

Be Clear

If you want her to do something, don’t hide it in metaphor and unclear words. This is a poor choice of words: “Honey, it would be great if the atmosphere at home had more positivity.” This is a better choice: “Honey, I need you to be more encouraging by giving me specific, verbal affirmation regarding my success at work and my character at home.”

Over time, I have realized taht I crave feedback. I respect honesty. I tire of the insincere flattery and lack of truth telling so common in daily dialogue. I want my wife to be the one who gives it to me straight. We started using a feedback loop that has helped bring clarity to our conversations. Sometimes, we do this face to face. Other times, it’s through email and text.

We ask each other these three questions: (1) What should I keep doing? (2) What should I stop doing? (3) What should I stop doing? They are simple but remarkable for achieving clarity in conversation. The other day Amie answered them for me: (1) Keep helping the kids with their homework. (2) Start helping more after dinner. (3) Stop checking email from your phone.

Use Pauses

Many guys dominate their wives with words, especially in an argument. They do this with logic, expertise, or tone. A wise husband knows that winning an argument with his wife is not as important as winning her heart. I’m a quick verbal processor with a short attention span. Often many thoughts pulse through my brain at a given time. It’s a struggle for me to stay focused on just one thing, particularly in a chaotic environment. Especially when I am stressed, I tend to get abrupt with my words and just want to get things done. It’s important for me to pause often to give my wife space to process and respond. You’ll need to do this as well, especially if your wife is an internal processor.

Know What Makes Her Feel Dismissed

After about fifteen years of marriage, I finally asked Amie what made her feel belittled and dismissed. Then I asked her to ban certain activities of mine that harmed the community we were trying to build. Here’s what she came up with:

• Walking ot of room without explanation when she’s talking.
• Interrupting conversations by sending texts or emails or making notes “because I’ll forget if I don’t do it right now.”
• Making her wait whileI do something else when we’ve agreed to talk at a particular time.
• Trying to multitask during conversation (unless it’s agreed upon).

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