Navigating Conflict In Marriage
By guest author
KAYLA WRIGHT
Licensed Christian Counselor
Specialist in Child & Adolescent Therapy
Life Training Christian Counseling
The Lord created marriage to represent the relationship between Christ and the Church. It is meant to be a beautiful covenant between a man and a woman clothed in mutual respect. We honor God by first submitting to Him, and then submitting to each other. My husband and I will be married for a year in November, and although we began our relationship intentionally building a good foundation of communication, some of our arguments a year later are raw and difficult. Conflict is uncomfortable for most individuals, and there are some things that can creep in that can complicate confrontation in marriage.
Previous Wounds
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Proverbs 15:1
Previous traumas and hurts from past relationships, if left unattended, can create in us a protective emotional layer. This layer is thick and prickly, keeping others from getting too close and often attacking when danger is perceived. The thing with a “perceived danger” is that it isn’t always real. However, when our traumas and past hurts are leading our actions, we can often begin an argument defensive, turning our spouse into our enemy rather than our teammate. In these situations, intentions are misinterpreted and hurtful words can be said, turning our once safe space into a war zone. If you find this happening in your arguments with your spouse, it is important to identify the traumas or hurt that may be making you defensive and find healing.
Comparison
“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.”
Proverbs 14:30
Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” When we bring comparison into our marriage, we begin setting unrealistic expectations, heaping unnecessary shame on ourselves and our spouses, and allowing doubt to surround the sacred space of our marriages. My eyes are not focused on Christ or my husband, but on what every other marriage has that mine does not. This attitude of dissatisfaction and ungratefulness can create a hole in the communication with my spouse. Each argument adds another reason that my marriage isn’t perfect or is failing. It is important to keep your focus on honoring God in every moment with your spouse where you are now. Every story is different, and every marriage is different. Instead of asking, “Does my marriage look like theirs?” ask yourself, “Does my marriage honor God?” If the answer is no, discuss with your spouse what steps may need to be taken to get there.
Pride
“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”
Proverbs 11:2
Each time I enter into conflict with my spouse assuming I am correct, I have already created an issue. All relationships contain two imperfect individuals who are imperfectly trying to love each other. When I sit with my pride, I leave my husband feeling unseen, unheard, and unimportant. Yet, when I begin a conversation in humility, being willing to listen, acknowledge and own where I fail, I am now able to receive direction from the Holy Spirit of where I can grow. A conversation between two individuals who are both approaching the conversation in humility will bear much fruit, while a conversation containing pride leads to broken trust.
A commonly known verse that my husband and I often remind each other of is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. In the midst of our conflicts, we strive to hold each other accountable to being patient, kind, selfless, humble, gracious, slow to anger, and to always speak the truth in love. While we are certainly not always all of these things, knowing we are coming to each other to share concerns in a space of love and grace gives us the confidence to continue communicating, even with hard or sensitive topics. If you feel like you are at a place in your marriage where you have tried creating a safe space for conversations and it’s not working, consider seeking support from a Christian counselor who can help facilitate a safe space with you. You are not alone in your marriages, and if both parties are willing to seek healing and growth, God can and will redeem your communication and build a foundation for healthy conflict.
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Kayla Wright joined the counseling team at Life Training Christian Counseling in May of this year. The passion of her counseling work is to make a meaningful difference in the lives of MARRIAGE COUNSELING.
Kayla is nationally licensed as a Christian Counselor by the National Christian Counselors Association, with an advanced board certification in Child & Adolescent Therapy. Kayla gained extensive experience and credibility in providing counseling to teens and pre-teens during her tenure on the staff of Revive Christian Counseling in Owensboro and Madisonville, Kentucky.
Kayla Wright, as well as each of our other counselors, offers convenient sessions at our office in Louisville, Kentucky, as well as online counseling via Zoom or FaceTime. Please click on this link to learn much more about how our COUNSELING FOR TEENS & PRE-TEENS in Louisville, Kentucky can help the child you love find the highly-effective, Christ-centered help they need. Contact us today at 502-717-5433, or by email at kayla@lifetrainingcounseling.org