Unmet Needs’ Role In Characteristics Of A Narcissist
In earlier articles in this series where I’ve been examining a Christian view of narcissism, I spoke of the connection between unmet childhood emotional needs and the propensity toward narcissism. Based on my deep understanding of the core elements of human temperament, I am confident that each characteristic that society calls “a narcissist” is entirely preventable in the individual’s childhood.
Grandiose sense of self-importance
Considering there are five distinct temperament types, each with it’s own essential needs, grandiosity can be a result of more than one need:
- COMPETENCE. The unmet childhood need for experiences of being seen as competent and in control will result in an adult who feels superior by scrutinizing the mistakes and wrongdoings of others. To not appear as competent is to believe they are rejected, worthless, and not enough.
- CONTROL. The unmet childhood need for opportunities to be the leader, make decisions, and be in charge will result in an adult with a bent to constantly be in control of outcomes, tasks, and people. To not be in control is to believe they are a failure as a person.
- APPROVAL. The unmet childhood need for approval from others, in both surface and deeper relationships, will result in an adult who is compelled to be the center of attention, sell themselves to garner approval, and are willing to compromise if necessary to receive approval. To not be approved of is to believe they are unworthy of love and approval, and leads to a swinging down into self-deprecation followed by swinging up with more intensity toward approval than before.
Sense of entitlement and preoccupation about having or deserving
- RIGHTEOUSNESS. The unmet childhood need to be both rewarded and disciplined in healthy ways will result in an adult who will believe they are entitled to what they want and “deserve.” They equate the being right and doing right should assure a favorable outcome. To not be provided with what they feel they are entitled or deserve will feel like withholding of love and acceptance, which is entirely unacceptable in this person’s mind.
Belief in superiority
- CONTROL. The same individual who requires control of all outcomes, tasks, and people also has the false belief that they are above others. If not raised with a Biblical worldview, this person may actually believe they are equal to God. The unmet childhood need to have their strong mind and will harnessed by mature parents and the absolute truth of scripture will become an adult with absolutely no concept of where they end and God begins. Every human being is below them, therefore NO ONE is as good, or correct, or strong, or intelligent, or whatever as they are.
Need for admiration
- APPROVAL. The same individual who requires approval by both surface and close relationships will strive to perform in ways that lead the the admiration of others. The unmet childhood need for healthy approval and admiration will result in an adult who is emotionally immature and performs at inappropriate ways and awkward ways ih hopes of being liked or admired.
- ACHIEVEMENT. The same individual who sees themself as superior believes that anything they say or do iw worthy of admiration, simply because they are the one who did it. The unmet childhood need to be admired for everything they say or do will result in an adult who can see only their strengths and only the weaknesses in others. And when they do rarely admit they are incorrect or wrong, they make it clear that they’re not as incorrect or wrong as the other person.
Lack of empathy and fear of vulnerability
- COMPETENCE. The same individual who needs to be seen as competent and in control believes that any form of emotion or vulnerability is a sign of weakness (and often a lack of manliness). In order to have empathy for another human, an individual must be able to perceive themselves in the same emotional space as the other person. The unmet childhood need of this individual to be modeled and affirmed in the appropriate expression of emotions will come to believe that all forms of emotion or feeling are unacceptable. As a result, this individual’s heart may become very hard and insensitive.
- CONTROL. he same individual who requires control of all outcomes, tasks, and people, and has the false belief that they are above others, will have extreme difficulty why another person cannot manage their feelings and emotions, and will be perceived as weak. The unmet childhood need to be raised in a home where human dignity is valued and mutual honor and respect are modeled by mature adults will result in an adult who sees themselves as super-human, above others, and in control of people, tasks, and outcomes.
Our temperament counselors can help you explore this further
I believe there is a significant amount of work still to be done to correlate unmet childhood needs with the propensity toward tendencies and characteristics of narcissism. Contact our office today to schedule an appointment with one of our counselors to discuss this topic in greater detail.