Dude Skill #1: LISTEN – Part 1
#2 IN MY SERIES OF POSTINGS DEDICATED TO SUMMARIZING A WONDERFUL BOOK ENTITLED “THE DUDE’S GUIDE TO MARRIAGE: TEN SKILLS EVERY HUSBAND MUST DEVELOP TO LOVE HIS WIFE WELL” BY DARRIN & AMIE PATRICK.
Hearing But Not Listening
Women like it when you listen to them. They are funny that way. Wives often ask if we hear what they are saying. Are we really listening? Many times we’re not. We hear words coming from her cute, perky lips, but often fail to listen to the heart behind here words.
The truth is, there are times we wish our wives wouldn’t talk so much. She could say what she is trying to say with way fewer adjectives and superlatives. She knows how to get to the point. She is aware that we have a short attention span. She has studied our thoughts, actions, and words since we first got together. Yet she keeps talking!
For most men, we like to be able to speak of what our competence is greatest. When we do this, we’re in control. We like being in control. We like giving directives and and solving problems. We like to give our opinions, state our case, and instill our wisdom. And when we do, we feel like we are in control.
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”
Proverbs 8:21
Words are quite spiritual. we learn from the Bible that in the beginning God created the whole universe with a word. God reveals who he is through the created world generally, but through his words (the Bible) specifically. God has given us words to build a relationship with him. That is called prayer. Words aren’t just organized noise coming out of our mouths. They are a spiritual force that has power!
We Speak Two Different Languages
Men and women use this controlling force in distinct ways. Men tend to view themselves as individuals in a hierarchical social order in whey they are “either one-up or one-down.” Women usually view the world as a network of connections in which conversations are negotiations for closeness and consensus. Men talk with a focus on achieving social status and avoiding failure. Women focus on achieving personal connection and avoiding social isolation.
These different ways of conversing are known as report-talk (men) and rapport-talk (women). Report talk is information oriented, focused on objectivity and practicality. Rapport talk is relationship oriented, emotionally expressive, and engaging. When you come home from work and your wife asks, “How was your day?” she is attempting to engage in rapport talk. When you respond “Fine,” you assume she is looking for a report.
If you think having a wife who talks too much is the words thing possible, wait until she stops.
Why Do Wives Stop Talking?
Many husbands think their wives talking less would be a good thing. Not so much. When your wife gives in to report-talk and stops trying to gain rapport, it doesn’t mean you’ve won. It means she’s no longer pursuing connection with you.
In my next posting I will continue on this chapter entitled LISTEN. I’ll dig into what Darrin says about when our wives don’t feel safe, and they stop communicating with us.
——–
Soul health and spiritual maturity cannot be separated. Our counselors are ordained Christian ministers as well as certified and licensed Christian counselors. We are able to help you experience freedom from shame, anxiety, depression, or marriage / relationship conflict with methods that are purely Christ-centered. Please click on this link to learn much more about how our MARRIAGE COUNSELING can help you become a more authentic follower of Christ, and help you find freedom from identity dependence.https://lifetrainingcounseling.org/
Life Training offers convenient sessions at https://lifetrainingcounseling.org/depression-counseling/our office in Louisville, Kentucky, as well as online counseling via Zoom or FaceTime. Our non-profit counseling practice has had an outstanding track record from over a decade helping men and women, individuals and couples who are ready to move beyond anxiety, depression, and conflicts in marriage or other relationships find hope and healing in their lives. Contact us today at 502-717-5433, or by email at drdave@lifetrainingcounseling.org