Dude Skill #1: LISTEN – Part 2
#3 IN MY SERIES OF POSTINGS DEDICATED TO SUMMARIZING A WONDERFUL BOOK ENTITLED “THE DUDE’S GUIDE TO MARRIAGE: TEN SKILLS EVERY HUSBAND MUST DEVELOP TO LOVE HIS WIFE WELL” BY DARRIN & AMIE PATRICK.
Our Wives Don’t Feel Safe
The other day I noticed Amie (Darrin’s wife) was especially silent. Later in the day that silence morphed into coldness. I could tell she had been hurt by something I had done. I racked my brain, trying to figure out how I had offended her. What had I done that morning? It turned out the offense had occurred earlier in the week. My wife was trying to express her feelings about an upcoming family event. I was preoccupied and said, “Amie, just figure it out. I’ll do whatever you want.” She interpreted this to be mean. “Darrin doesn’t care and is unwilling to engage with me about our family.” Guilty as charged. She was right.
Because of her experiences with her husband and with counseling other women, Amie has some wisdom here.
“A wife stops talking to her husband when she’s given up hope that he will be a safe place for her to share her heart. She’s probably resorted to having her need to be listened to met by someone else — girlfriends, Mom, coworkers, or even another man. The good news is that it’s never too late to change course. A great place to start would be to tell your wife, “I know I’m a terrible listener and I’ve hurt you. I wan to change. Will you help me?” She may not come around immediately, but genuine humility and vulnerability go a long way in healing broken places.”
Amie Patrick
They Are Tired of Our Excuses
Many wives have set the right environment, have tried to approach their husbands in right spirit and at the right time, and have been given the Heisman stiff-arm multiple times. Husband, when conflict arises, you are far more likely to stonewall (shut down and become unresponsive). Faced with intense, troubling emotions, you will just sit there silently, trying not to react, just idling in neutral. You may not intend harm, but it is hard for your wife not to view it as disapproval and rejection. Her knee-jerk response is to perceive your silence as hostility. A wife gets tired of pushing through her husband’s walls.
Women Don’t Need Fixed!
Women want to be heard, not fixed. They are open to encouragement, challenge, and even rebuke, but usually only after they have been listened to. Research from Dr. John Gottman tells us, “Women are more sensitive to advice giving than men.” A wife will usually react “very negatively” if you try to problem solve her troubles without trying to empathize. In my next posting, I’ll look further into the topic of LISTEN, and specifically focus on how our wives are tired of being fixed, as well as how we can become much more effective listeners.
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