3 Learned Patterns That Often Lead To Anxiety
Human beings are not born compulsive or addicted or driven or obsessive or perfectionistic. These traits are all learned adaptations to life in this fallen world. The intensity and trajectory of our extremes are in direct response to the myriad experiences of our childhood. This is not to say these experiences were necessarily negative or harmful. What they do have in common though, is that some type of unconscious, arbitrary standard or expectation was formed in the heart and mind of the child. Through constant rehearsing (albeit unknowingly) of that standard, the individual’s sense of identity, worth, and value became cemented to their self-assessment relative to that standard.
No One Leaves Childhood Entirely Unscathed
Every one of us has some degree of compulsivity in our lives. No matter how wonderful our parents were, or how benign our childhood experiences may have been, growing up in an imperfect world with imperfect people leaves no one entirely unscathed.
When we think about God’s promises, many tend to focus on the blessings: forgiveness, mercy, and eternal life. Jesus’ own words make it clear that He’s not saying we might, or could experience suffering in life, but that we will.
“You will have suffering in this world”
John 16:33
The woundedness and pain we experience being participants in this fallen world contributes to unhealthy patterns in life. Here are three of the most common unhealthy patterns that come from our experiences that often play a direct role in feelings of anxiousness or experiences of anxiety.
Compulsivity
When I’m teaching or counseling, I typically explain the word “compulsive” as something a person can’t not do. It’s so deeply engrained that not doing it is entirely unfathomable.
I can still remember (not fondly) when I was a child and early teen that I battled a compulsion about whether a door was locked or not. Especially if I was the last or only person to go out that door. I would lock the door as I went through and closed it. Then I would turn and jiggle the knob to make sure it was locked. Then, as I would begin to walk away, I would second guess myself whether I had locked it or not. Sometimes, I would actually unlock the door just to re-lock it and begin my ritual over again.
Obsessiveness
The primary distinction between obsessiveness and compulsivity is the realm in which it exists. Obsessiveness is a pattern in the mind. Compulsivity is a pattern in behavior.
My life has been much less plagued with issues of obsessiveness than with compulsivity. I attribute that to the culture in which I was raised. A person’s perceived worth and value was measured much more by what we did than by what we knew or thought or believed.
The primary object of my obsessions was the fear that if I wasn’t “perfect,” someone I loved (or needed loved by) would be disappointed and quit loving me. So, in order to make that fear more manageable, I would constantly process any and all variables that could lead to the unlikely outcome I dreaded.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is intertwined in both compulsivity and obsessiveness. Perfectionism does not mean that a person actually believes they are “perfect.” Actually, what they believe is quite the opposite. They constantly measure and judge themselves against the arbitrary standard of expectation that developed in their mind through childhood.
Dependent upon each individual’s unique, inborn temperament combination, the effects of perfectionism will play out in vastly different ways.I’m the youngest of our siblings in my family. Perfectionism to me was a persistent reminder of why I needed to constantly strive harder to be and do better. For my brother, perfectionism seemed to be a constant reminder of how imperfect, unworthy, and not-enough he was. For my one sister, perfectionism seemed to make her powerless at the mercy of others, seemingly to never be at risk of doing the wrong thing the wrong way. And for my older sister, perfectionism seemed to be her holding herself out as never being the reason for her imperfections; merely the victim of the failures of others.
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