Dude Skill #2: TALK – Part 1
#6 IN MY SERIES OF POSTINGS DEDICATED TO SUMMARIZING A WONDERFUL BOOK ENTITLED “THE DUDE’S GUIDE TO MARRIAGE: TEN SKILLS EVERY HUSBAND MUST DEVELOP TO LOVE HIS WIFE WELL” BY DARRIN & AMIE PATRICK.
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Proverbs 15:1
Fine. That is my go-to word. “How was work today?” my wife asks. “Fine.” “How was dinner?” “Fine.” “How do you think I look in this dress.” “Fine.” Fine is not such a fine word. My wife wants me to use verbs and adjectives when I talk to her. I bet your wife wants that too. My guess is our wives are worth talking to.
What is wrong with us men? Why is it so easy to talk shop, sports, and lawn care with random strangers, and yet we can’t speak meaningfully with our partners for life?
Superman At Work
One of my roies as a pastor is to listen to people’s problems and offer practical advice. A few years ago, Joe asked me to come to his office. He had something he wanted to discuss. I was escorted into his office as he was finishing up an overseas call.
As soon as I sat down, Joe launched into business matters. He talked about revenues and growth of his business into emerging markets. He could see the top of the mountain and was actively planning to summit. I already knew he was a leader who was good at diagnosing problems and giving viable solutions. I learned that his specialty was seeing the subterranean issues in his industry and his staff. He was able to see motives, wounds, and other internal factors that most CEOs miss.
Inept Man In His Marriage
It took a while before he disclosed the reason for my visit. His marriage was struggling. She had confessed that she wasn’t sure he was in love with him anymore.
I met with Joe several times during the next few months to explore issues within his marriage, and he always talked about his business too. One day he was going on about the government regulations that would affect his business and the impact on the emotions of the staff. he had interviewed a couple of people who were familiar with governmental affairs. He described the thoughtful questions that he asked in the interview and how he engaged them personally about the potential ramifications on real people.
I took the opportunity to move from listening to talking and interrupted him. “Joe, why don’t you talk to your wife like that?” I asked.
“Like what?” he replied.
“Why don’t you seek to understand your wife’s heart by using words to draw her out?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why don’t you seek to understand her motives and try to address her in her woundedness? Why don’t you ask her about the impact that her past is having on your marriage?”
Joe looked at me, dumbfounded. He was great at engaging his business partners, but not great at connecting with his wife’s heart. Joe is not alone.
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