Dude Skill #4: GROW – Part 6
#24 IN MY SERIES OF POSTINGS DEDICATED TO SUMMARIZING A WONDERFUL BOOK ENTITLED “THE DUDE’S GUIDE TO MARRIAGE: TEN SKILLS EVERY HUSBAND MUST DEVELOP TO LOVE HIS WIFE WELL” BY DARRIN & AMIE PATRICK
If we want to move toward growth and health, there are two basics we must start working on: 1) Stop stuffing down our emotions, and 2) Name those emotions. In this posting I’ll examine the issue with stuffing down our emotions.
Stop Stuffing Down Your Emotions
You can’t keep grabbing for the wet blanket every time intense emotions flare up. It’s not just harmful for you individually; it’s harmful for your marriage. The effort you exert to avoid your emotions is exhausting. It also distracts you from picking up on and responding to the emotional cues of your spouse. Stanford psychologist James Gross has shown that the tension created by suppressing emotion is contagious. Your spouse will catch your strain and become stressed as well.
Name Your Emotions
This isn’t about being clever. We’re not talking about naming your sports car. Naming is recognizing. Through brain imaging technology (MRIs), UCLA psychologist Matthew Lieberman has shown that the simple act of naming calms the emotional center of the brain. Dr. Sue Johnson said, “What we name we can tame; when we give meaning to something, we can tolerate it and even change its impact.”
Jeff Schulte of the Sage Hill Institute lists eight core emotions. When we ignore them, they become destructive (left column). When we name and use them properly, they become virtues (right column).
| DESTRUCTIVE EMOTIONS | CORE EMOTIONS | VIRTUOUS EMOTIONS |
|---|---|---|
| Depression | ANGER | Passion |
| Rage, Control, Anxiety | FEAR | Faith |
| Resentment | HURT | Healing, Courage |
| Self-Pity | SAD | Acceptance of what is not ok |
| Apathy | LONELY | Intimacy |
| Toxic Shame | GUILT | Forgiveness, Freedom |
| Toxic shame | SHAME | Humility |
| Sensual experience w/o heart | GLAD | Joy amidst sadness |
What does a wife want? A growing husband! Growing husbands help their wives grow because they invite them to join them on their path. Wives tend to respect husbands who do the hard work of moving courageously into areas where they’re not naturally strong and doing the hard and humble work of learning and growing. Most wives look for persistence, not perfection. Wives trust their husbands more readily in difficulties and crisis when they see their men regularly looking outside themselves for support.
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