Many of us aim to be considered a people pleaser because it seems like they have so many positive qualities. They’re helpful, nice, always looking to lend a hand, and never say no. What’s not to like? But sometimes there is actually a dishonesty in people pleasing.
People Pleasing Isn’t Being True To Yourself
The part that is often overlooked is the dishonesty of people pleasing. It comes at a high cost. Many people pleasers aren’t even fully conscious that what they’re doing isn’t true to themselves and their own wishes.
Think of a time when someone seemed to always go with the flow and be super “easygoing.” Then you found out later they were either complaining to others about doing things they didn’t want to be doing. And ending up resentful about whatever they were saying yes to.
How would that feel? You would probably feel like you couldn’t trust that person’s word? Might you be far less likely to trust them in the future about anything? We instinctually want to surround ourselves with people we can trust. People want to not only be trusted by others, but to truly feel like they can be themselves without fear.
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.'”Galatians 1:10 NIV
Having Your Own Opinions Is Important
Everyone has an opinion, even if we try to convince ourselves (or others) that we don’t. People pleasing can make you unhappy. It makes those around you unhappy when they realize you’re not being true to yourself and being dishonest. So who is it really benefiting?
We’ve all been there, not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings, make them mad, rock the boat, or be considered “disagreeable.” But you’re not for everyone and that’s a very positive thing. Understanding this leaves more space for the people that you will resonate and connect with on a deep level.
Being A People Pleaser Is Exhausting
You’re constantly trying to fit the mold of all the different people who want you to be all the different things. The question you should be asking yourself is: when do you get to simply be you?
If you’re busy trying to please everyone else, you’re actually just hiding from the world. People are missing out on the most amazing version of you because you’re too busy trying to be agreeable with them. That’s a lonely place to be.
Not Everyone Is Going To Like You
We all want connection with others, true connection. That’s impossible when we’re constantly lying about who we are and how we’re showing up in the world. People pleasing also means never trusting anyone else enough to get to know the real you.
This can be rooted in fear of rejection and an intense desire of wanting to be liked, but we’re never going to be liked by everyone. On top of that in many instances, people pleasers can often end up feeling left out or rejected anyway, or resentful about feeling as though they give far more than they receive in return. Because they try to be everything to everyone, it also comes across as incredibly wishy-washy and that’s an unattractive quality to most people, because then you feel like you never get to really know that person. You’re missing out on creating lasting bonds, deep relationships, and cultivating that true connection.
Maturity in life can only be found through experiencing a few wounds, and allowing the wounds to heal and growing stronger as a result.
People Pleasers Can Feel Helpless
People pleasing is a great way to be left feeling utterly helpless, as though life is happening to you rather than for you. You get to make the rules for your own life. Stop giving away all of your power and start living the life you choose, with purpose, clarity and confidence in your choices. Most importantly, start getting clear on the choices that feel good to you and you’ll be better able to show up with integrity.
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